I survived the weekend with the in-laws and the extended family! It was actually pretty fun, and no one bugged us about when we're going to have a baby (I have a feeling Rick's mom must have warned his crazy aunts). Instead they chose to pressure us to move down to the USA instead - that was a lot easier to handle.
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After a weekend of eating pretty much crap and not sleeping very well - my body went on strike yesterday and I had to go home from work early and sleep off the nausea and headache. I decided that Rick and I should start eating a raw foods diet for the rest of the week to detox a bit. Last night I made a cabbage-slaw with red cabbage, onions, caraway seeds, sea salt and Bragg's liquid aminos. The recipe was great because you get your hands right in there and "knead" the food to break it down a bit - it was so simple, but surprisingly delicious. Then I made raw cauliflower soup in the blender. It had fresh carrot, ginger and apple juice with an avocado, half a cauliflower, curry powder, and some hot water - I can't even tell you how good it was! Unfortunately, Rick had a bit of a disaster with his computer and didn't get to relax and enjoy it - but hopefully he'll appreciate the leftovers today, as long as all ends well with his hard drives.

And this mornings breakfast: I soaked oats, almonds, sunflower seeds and raisins over night. This morning I drained the seeds and raisins and added them to oats along with the juice of an orange, some cinnamon and a grated apple. Fan-freakin-tastic. If we make it the rest of the week eating like this I think I'll feel like a whole new person!
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Two more days until my appointment. I am really a lot more anxious than I thought I would be. I have a lot riding on this doctor - I hope he knows that! I just hope I don't break down in his office - I am notorious for crying in doctor's offices lately.

I have done some soul searching in the last few days. When I first married Rick, I didn't really picture myself with children, but it was something that he wanted and couldn't imagine his life without. He was ready way before I was. It wasn't until my friends started getting pregnant that I truly started trying - that's my competative nature - not a good basis for making the decision to have children. When I got pregnant the first time, I think I was mostly excited that I was finally going to be "in the club". That didn't last very long at all before I miscarried. But it wasn't until I lost that baby that I started to think about whether I really truly wanted children for the right reasons. When I got pregnant the second time - I was much more excited than the first time, once I got past my fears. I didn't think I would miscarry at 12 weeks - it didn't seem possible. I have never experienced heartache like that in my entire life. But, when I look back, I still think my reasons for wanting to have a baby were more likely to please other people and because I didn't want to be left out.

After all this time I think I am finally ready in my heart to have a family and to be a mom to please no one else but myself, my husband and the children that we will hopefully one day have.

Now, if my body would just cooperate everything will be just fine!
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To my online pals - thanks so much for your support through this weird emotional time I've been going through. I truly think of you all as friends and I wish only the best things for all of you!