The sister, the summer and someday...
I have been sitting here for about 20 minutes trying to figure out how to write something this morning that sounds somewhat positive... but after 3 goes at it, I give up! It probably doesn't help that my sister has been messenging me, asking about my old friend and what the baby's name is etc. because she going to pop in and see them while she's out west this summer. I am trying to subtly say that I don't want to talk about her or think about her and the baby right now (and maybe my sister doesn't REALLY need to go and see MY old friend - she's got her own to visit!), but subtlety never really worked on my sister.
A little note about my sister: she is not a very complex person. She wears all her thoughts and emotions on her sleeve and it doesn't enter her mind that others might have a bit more depth than her. She's my sister and I love her... but we really don't have any kind of real relationship beyond that as much as I would like to. We have no other sibblings, so I do try hard to at least be involved in her life, but she really doesn't get involved in mine. I've come to terms with our relationship and really don't expect much, but if she comes back from that trip with baby photos for me to look at and pictures of how my old friend is a happy mommy, when I'm not ready to look at them - then it's not going to be a pretty scene. I already had to look at the photos of old friend 8 months preggo, from my sister's last trip, right after my first miscarriage! On Christmas day nonetheless!
Here's another thing - I HATE being jealous - I absolutely despise that quality in myself more than anything else. I want to look at new moms and pregnant women just like I look at anyone else - not with a seering pain in my heart and a rush of adrenal hormones that make my head feel like it's going to expload for a split second! Maybe this will be my time to work on that - another little do-it-yourself course in self-improvement. At least I'm rational enought to realize that this is no one's fault and that I would like to change my emotional behaviour - maybe that's the first step. I just have to figure out what the next step is!!
Have you ever wanted to put the entire world on hold while you worked out your crap and then press play again? That is how I feel right now and it was probably the first feeling I had after both of my miscarriages. No one else should be able to do anything until I can get pregnant again basically! Or if they do - I should be able to be in a happy, sunny, tropical land far away where they can't reach me until everything is A-OK! I think that must be called avoidance or denial or something! Okay, well now at least I'm laughing at myself, that's a good sign!
I'll be fine. I really have no choice and things could be a whole lot worse... it could be snowing in June and I could be allergic to vodka or something! All I have is some silly little auto-immune disorder that can be treated. So what if I have to wait another few months for answers? It will give me even more time to get some decent looking cycles under my belt, get into better physical and emotional shape and enjoy my summer with my single girlfriends while I can!
A little note about my sister: she is not a very complex person. She wears all her thoughts and emotions on her sleeve and it doesn't enter her mind that others might have a bit more depth than her. She's my sister and I love her... but we really don't have any kind of real relationship beyond that as much as I would like to. We have no other sibblings, so I do try hard to at least be involved in her life, but she really doesn't get involved in mine. I've come to terms with our relationship and really don't expect much, but if she comes back from that trip with baby photos for me to look at and pictures of how my old friend is a happy mommy, when I'm not ready to look at them - then it's not going to be a pretty scene. I already had to look at the photos of old friend 8 months preggo, from my sister's last trip, right after my first miscarriage! On Christmas day nonetheless!
Here's another thing - I HATE being jealous - I absolutely despise that quality in myself more than anything else. I want to look at new moms and pregnant women just like I look at anyone else - not with a seering pain in my heart and a rush of adrenal hormones that make my head feel like it's going to expload for a split second! Maybe this will be my time to work on that - another little do-it-yourself course in self-improvement. At least I'm rational enought to realize that this is no one's fault and that I would like to change my emotional behaviour - maybe that's the first step. I just have to figure out what the next step is!!
Have you ever wanted to put the entire world on hold while you worked out your crap and then press play again? That is how I feel right now and it was probably the first feeling I had after both of my miscarriages. No one else should be able to do anything until I can get pregnant again basically! Or if they do - I should be able to be in a happy, sunny, tropical land far away where they can't reach me until everything is A-OK! I think that must be called avoidance or denial or something! Okay, well now at least I'm laughing at myself, that's a good sign!
I'll be fine. I really have no choice and things could be a whole lot worse... it could be snowing in June and I could be allergic to vodka or something! All I have is some silly little auto-immune disorder that can be treated. So what if I have to wait another few months for answers? It will give me even more time to get some decent looking cycles under my belt, get into better physical and emotional shape and enjoy my summer with my single girlfriends while I can!
posted by Jackie at 8:26 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home