Coming to terms with some things
Okay, weird things are starting to happen to me. I'm not getting too excited because I know how I can change completely at the drop of a hat, but I'm being cautiously optimistic that perhaps some of the bitterness is starting to leave me.
Yesterday afternoon I was minding my own business, working away - when I look up and an old friend of mine Eileen is standing there with her new baby in a carrier. I just stared at her for what seemed like an eternity, then I finally came to my senses and got up and went over to say hi and welcome her to our office. She was out taking a stroll with little Johnny and decided to pop in to our office to see what we're all about here. Our mutual friend (her best friend and my good friend Rachel had told her where I work). (I introduced Eileen and Rachel by the way!) I was actually invited to Eileen's baby shower by Rachel and was going to go - that was supposed to be where I was going to tell them all I was pregnant... but my mom ended up in hostpital the same weekend so I just sent a gift instead.
So as I was showing Eileen around our office (it's an old homestead that we use as community arts offices)she just came right out and said that she was sorry to hear what had happened to me and that she also had a miscarriage before Johnny. She went on to tell me that it took over a year to get pregnant again and she remembers how hard that was to go through - ovulating while her husband was on the road for work etc. I already knew all this from Rachel, but it was so nice to have an open discussion with someone face to face that actually admitted to having this experience. And I wasn't even jealous about the baby once I met him, I was really happy for her. She said she'd call me sometime and we'd have lunch here in the park near where I work and I'm actually looking forward to it! I feel like I've had a breakthru!
If that wasn't enough - something ELSE happened today. One of my colleagues answered my phone while I was in the ladie's room this afternoon and it was my "old friend" that I haven't talken to in months. I've left messages and sent some emails and finally gave up on her. As soon as I heard her voice I went cold inside and now that I think back it must have shown through. Gradually I warmed up to our conversation and finally asked how motherhood was treating her. She didn't bring up the subject of my fertility and I didn't offer any information about it - she's just the last person that I wanted to share that with for some reason. Anyway - I survived the conversation without feeling any real strong emotions one way or the other. I might even send a little happy birthday 6month old card to her baby if I get a chance. I think I've finally realized that I can have this friendship on my terms and it doesn't always have to be what it used to be. Friendships aren't stagnant - they're ever changing and evolving and sometimes fading and that's okay - I'm really okay with that. It doesn't mean I have to shut her out of my life, we can just be friends on a different level than before.
I'm feeling really quite good about all that. I would have to do a lot more explaining about the history of our friendship (one day when I have A LOT OF TIME on my hands), but it's sort of like breaking up with a boyfriend (and no, she wasn't my lesbian lover or anything - not there's anything wrong with that ;) that you thought was the love of your life and slowly starting to realize that you can live happily and completely without any validation from that person. That's sort of the feeling I have right now... hard to explain.
Enough of that deep stuff - here's the REALLY important thing - I've found a new esthetician that I really like! I went yesterday after work and the salon was so nice - it's an old house and is very natural and earthy with great aromatherapy scents wafting around and they use all Aveda products. I got to lay back and read fashion magazines (how luxurious and girly!) while she tranformed my feet and cleaned up my eyebrowns. Too bad I couldn't keep reading while she did my fingernails - they should invent something for that. The best part was that she didn't blab on and make a ton of small talk - she just left me to zone out and relax. I LOVE the secret world of the salon... too bad I'm just starting to find out about it so late in life!!!!
_____________
By the way - Christine and Lauren - I tried to post in your blog comments today and it wouldn't show my posts... just wanted you to know that I'm still keeping up with reading them!
Yesterday afternoon I was minding my own business, working away - when I look up and an old friend of mine Eileen is standing there with her new baby in a carrier. I just stared at her for what seemed like an eternity, then I finally came to my senses and got up and went over to say hi and welcome her to our office. She was out taking a stroll with little Johnny and decided to pop in to our office to see what we're all about here. Our mutual friend (her best friend and my good friend Rachel had told her where I work). (I introduced Eileen and Rachel by the way!) I was actually invited to Eileen's baby shower by Rachel and was going to go - that was supposed to be where I was going to tell them all I was pregnant... but my mom ended up in hostpital the same weekend so I just sent a gift instead.
So as I was showing Eileen around our office (it's an old homestead that we use as community arts offices)she just came right out and said that she was sorry to hear what had happened to me and that she also had a miscarriage before Johnny. She went on to tell me that it took over a year to get pregnant again and she remembers how hard that was to go through - ovulating while her husband was on the road for work etc. I already knew all this from Rachel, but it was so nice to have an open discussion with someone face to face that actually admitted to having this experience. And I wasn't even jealous about the baby once I met him, I was really happy for her. She said she'd call me sometime and we'd have lunch here in the park near where I work and I'm actually looking forward to it! I feel like I've had a breakthru!
If that wasn't enough - something ELSE happened today. One of my colleagues answered my phone while I was in the ladie's room this afternoon and it was my "old friend" that I haven't talken to in months. I've left messages and sent some emails and finally gave up on her. As soon as I heard her voice I went cold inside and now that I think back it must have shown through. Gradually I warmed up to our conversation and finally asked how motherhood was treating her. She didn't bring up the subject of my fertility and I didn't offer any information about it - she's just the last person that I wanted to share that with for some reason. Anyway - I survived the conversation without feeling any real strong emotions one way or the other. I might even send a little happy birthday 6month old card to her baby if I get a chance. I think I've finally realized that I can have this friendship on my terms and it doesn't always have to be what it used to be. Friendships aren't stagnant - they're ever changing and evolving and sometimes fading and that's okay - I'm really okay with that. It doesn't mean I have to shut her out of my life, we can just be friends on a different level than before.
I'm feeling really quite good about all that. I would have to do a lot more explaining about the history of our friendship (one day when I have A LOT OF TIME on my hands), but it's sort of like breaking up with a boyfriend (and no, she wasn't my lesbian lover or anything - not there's anything wrong with that ;) that you thought was the love of your life and slowly starting to realize that you can live happily and completely without any validation from that person. That's sort of the feeling I have right now... hard to explain.
Enough of that deep stuff - here's the REALLY important thing - I've found a new esthetician that I really like! I went yesterday after work and the salon was so nice - it's an old house and is very natural and earthy with great aromatherapy scents wafting around and they use all Aveda products. I got to lay back and read fashion magazines (how luxurious and girly!) while she tranformed my feet and cleaned up my eyebrowns. Too bad I couldn't keep reading while she did my fingernails - they should invent something for that. The best part was that she didn't blab on and make a ton of small talk - she just left me to zone out and relax. I LOVE the secret world of the salon... too bad I'm just starting to find out about it so late in life!!!!
_____________
By the way - Christine and Lauren - I tried to post in your blog comments today and it wouldn't show my posts... just wanted you to know that I'm still keeping up with reading them!
posted by Jackie at 11:29 AM
3 Comments:
Jackie, it really sounds like you are doing well and healing. I hope that you continue to find peace through your journey.
((((((((Hugs)))))))
I got your post!!
We definitely need to celebrate the small break-throughs in our life! Especially as we see the bitterness start to fade (even if it's just a little bit). "We will get through this!!!"
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