Moving forward

Most days I wake up and the first thing on my mind is my fertility. Why is my period so different than it was 1 year ago before all this started? Is there any way I can change my lifestyle even more? Are there any herbs or vitamins that I could be taking rather than what I already am to help? Are the things I'm doing the wrong things? Should I just stop everything that I'm doing and find a new obsession? Will I ever actually have a baby? These are the questions that usually whirl through my mind before my feet hit the ground next to the bed.

Nothing new today... same old questions. I want to stop this though - I am really tired of doubting myself and my body on a daily basis. I am literally tired out mentally and emotionally. Last night I watched myself eating dinner outside with Rick.. he was talking and I was just nodding my head and not even listening - that's just not right and I can't keep behaving this way. I want to really live my life again. I want to have sex that isn't timed around trying or not trying to conceive. I want to make vacation plans for 3 months from now and not worry about "what if..." I want to stop putting things off for something that may or may not happen. I want to stop punishing myself for bad decisions that I've made in the past - I need to be free from that burden and recapture the joy of day to day life. Maybe I've watched too many movies or something - but this must be possible right? I'm not asking for a fairy tale ending (although that would be nice) but just the strength to move forward with my life and not get stuck here.