Does friendship have a "best before" date?
I have a friend that I was really close to in high school and we hung out even more through university and then we were even roommates for a year before we travelled through Thailand and India together. We've known each other through the best of times and through the absolute worst of times. She moved away to the west coast about 6 or 7 years ago and we've visited, written, emailed, telephoned every couple of weeks (I even paid to fly her in to be a bride's maid in my wedding) all up until about a year ago.
About a year ago I got a phone call one afternoon at work from her telling me that she was pregnant - 4 and a half months pregnant. I was so excited for her, even though Rick and I had been trying unsuccessfully for a couple of months and even though she had spoken to me numerous times during those 4 and a half months and never once confided in me. I sent her a card of congratulations and I even started knitting a baby blanket for when the baby was born.
I got pregnant the next month! I had thought about keeping it a secret from her, but I figured she must have had some important reasons to keep her pregnancy from me, but I had no reason not to tell her. Before I had a chance, I miscarried. So I called her with the news and to my surprise at the time, there was no real words of comfort from her. Only the: "at least you know you can get pregnant" and "these things happen" type of speech. This - coming from someone who deals with pregnant women for a living and has worked as a counsellor!
Things were pretty quiet with our friendship for the next few months. I never received a card or so much as a follow-up phone call from her. Then she suddenly announced that her and her boyfriend had decided to get married before the baby was born. Again, I was totally thrilled for her! They were having a quiet ceremony with just her immediate family flying out and two friends. She didn't even ask if I would consider coming out for the wedding. Oh well, I sent her the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I could afford to their hotel in time for the ceremony and gave her all the support I could.
I was pregnant again, but decided to wait until after her big day to tell her. And after I had been through a successful ultrasound and blood tests and was even starting to show - she suddenly wanted to be part of my world again. She was emailing me and giving me all kinds of advice and saying how it was great that we were both going through this at the same time. She gave birth to a healthy, happy baby boy - having exactly the delivery that she wanted.
Then suddenly I had another miscarriage. I didn't even have the heart to call any of my friends - I sent them emails in hopes that they would understand. I had some wonderful support from one friend in particular during those days - I will never, ever forget that. But this friend that we're talking about today - absolutely nothing to offer except a brief email back.
I've only heard from her once since then. My sister stopped in to spend some time with her and the baby on a recent trip - and there was no news of anything that I was expecting like maybe she feels uncomfortable talking to me now or she hopes everything is okay and I should get in touch sometime. Nothing. So, I finally decided that I would be the one to reach out yet again and I sent her an email last week asking how everything was going etc. I finally got my response back today - "I have no news, so I haven't called or emailed". Then a bit of small talk and well, I better run because the baby is asleep! That's it - after all this time she doesn't even ask how I am!
I am feeling a bit pathetic now. Am I expecting too much or making too big of a deal out of nothing? I honestly miss the close friendship that we once shared, and I'm so sad that it seems to be drifting away - but I do not have the energy for a one sided friendship anymore. I wish there was a way for me to have closure on this in my mind, so that I wouldn't keep wishing to have my old friend back.
I can't even think of anything funny to say!
About a year ago I got a phone call one afternoon at work from her telling me that she was pregnant - 4 and a half months pregnant. I was so excited for her, even though Rick and I had been trying unsuccessfully for a couple of months and even though she had spoken to me numerous times during those 4 and a half months and never once confided in me. I sent her a card of congratulations and I even started knitting a baby blanket for when the baby was born.
I got pregnant the next month! I had thought about keeping it a secret from her, but I figured she must have had some important reasons to keep her pregnancy from me, but I had no reason not to tell her. Before I had a chance, I miscarried. So I called her with the news and to my surprise at the time, there was no real words of comfort from her. Only the: "at least you know you can get pregnant" and "these things happen" type of speech. This - coming from someone who deals with pregnant women for a living and has worked as a counsellor!
Things were pretty quiet with our friendship for the next few months. I never received a card or so much as a follow-up phone call from her. Then she suddenly announced that her and her boyfriend had decided to get married before the baby was born. Again, I was totally thrilled for her! They were having a quiet ceremony with just her immediate family flying out and two friends. She didn't even ask if I would consider coming out for the wedding. Oh well, I sent her the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I could afford to their hotel in time for the ceremony and gave her all the support I could.
I was pregnant again, but decided to wait until after her big day to tell her. And after I had been through a successful ultrasound and blood tests and was even starting to show - she suddenly wanted to be part of my world again. She was emailing me and giving me all kinds of advice and saying how it was great that we were both going through this at the same time. She gave birth to a healthy, happy baby boy - having exactly the delivery that she wanted.
Then suddenly I had another miscarriage. I didn't even have the heart to call any of my friends - I sent them emails in hopes that they would understand. I had some wonderful support from one friend in particular during those days - I will never, ever forget that. But this friend that we're talking about today - absolutely nothing to offer except a brief email back.
I've only heard from her once since then. My sister stopped in to spend some time with her and the baby on a recent trip - and there was no news of anything that I was expecting like maybe she feels uncomfortable talking to me now or she hopes everything is okay and I should get in touch sometime. Nothing. So, I finally decided that I would be the one to reach out yet again and I sent her an email last week asking how everything was going etc. I finally got my response back today - "I have no news, so I haven't called or emailed". Then a bit of small talk and well, I better run because the baby is asleep! That's it - after all this time she doesn't even ask how I am!
I am feeling a bit pathetic now. Am I expecting too much or making too big of a deal out of nothing? I honestly miss the close friendship that we once shared, and I'm so sad that it seems to be drifting away - but I do not have the energy for a one sided friendship anymore. I wish there was a way for me to have closure on this in my mind, so that I wouldn't keep wishing to have my old friend back.
I can't even think of anything funny to say!
posted by Jackie at 9:28 AM
3 Comments:
Jackie - you are not expecting too much or making too big of a deal about this. Unfortunately the friendship does sound very much one-sided right now and I just don't know what you can do to mend it or to provide some closure. I don't understand why she's behaving the way she is - you have obviously done everything on your part to keep the friendship going. I'm so sorry. I have no words of advice, just to tell you that you should not feel bad because you didn't do anything wrong and to give you hugs of support. ((HUGS))
Jackie - your post has really got me thinking. It sounds like a similar situation I have w/ a SIL. No matter how hard I try or what I do, I get nothing back. It hurts b/c I so much want to be close again. I can't give you advise b/c I do not know what to do. I personally have retreated & do not bother trying to e-mail, call or see this SIL for my sanity but it is not working either b/c I still think about her & wonder what could be?
Jackie, I am so sorry your friend wasn't much of a friend when it came down to the nitty gritty. I think many of us who have experienced miscarriages have found out the hard way who our true friends are, and at a time when we needed them the most. You've made more than a valiant effort, and this woman cannot seem to respond in the manner a friend would. It hurts, but she obviously did not deserve you as a friend. (((hugs)))
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